My Anthology of Memories

Pana-Panahon

2008-10-10T18:31:00.000+08:00

Kahapon gustung-gusto kitang makasama,
Ngayon, ayoko na ng drama.
Hindi ko pa nga nagagawa ang lahat
Pero ayaw mo naman eh, kahit sa sulat.

Kahapon gustung-gusto kitang makita,
Ngayon, nanonood na lang ako ng balita
Sabi mo lahat ginawa mo na
Pati ang iwanan ako nasa listahan mo pala.

Kahapon baliw na baliw pa ako sayo,
Ngayon wala ka na sa’king plano
Katulad mo, kaya ko ring magpakasaya
Pero di tulad mo mas gusto ko’ng kasama ka.

Kahapon ang sabi mo walang katapusan,
Ngayon di ko alam kung ano’ng una ko’ng sisimulan.
Pero gaya mo, napapagod din ako.
Masarap pala magpahinga malayo sa’yo.

Kahapon hindi ko inisip na matatapos nang ganito kabilis
Ngayo’y panahon ko na rin ngang umalis
Bukas siguro naman makakangiti rin ako
Ngunit samakalawa, malamang, sasagi ka na naman sa isip ko.

Wag na,
Kung ayaw mo, ayoko na rin.

White Sand

2008-10-10T16:43:00.000+08:00

I am like the sand.

The sand you walk on, the sand you dig in, the sand you build castles with.

Sometimes the sand makes the sea appear beautiful. White, pure sand makes the beach a paradise.

But no one really goes to the beach just to play on the shore. They go there to swim. They just stay on the shore to watch the others, wait, but eventually they will all leave.

I am not white and pure. Most of the time, the sand just mixes with the waves, causing the perception of a dirty water.

Perhaps I belong to that class. The contamination. The people came to see the beautiful ocean, the clear blue water, and I spoil it.

But these people only go to the beach to swim. When it’s dark and they’re tired, they will eventually leave.

But the sand, the sand that makes up the shore… The sand will always be there. No matter how harsh the waves may get, no matter how filthy the shore may be because of the swimmers. No matter how the sun will rise or set, how the clouds hover about or how the rain washes everything out. The sand will always be by the sea.

And they meet halfway, if you just care to notice. It’s not always the vague water, time will come when the sand will settle down onto the ocean floor, if we just wait.

But not all have patience.

Did We Change or Rearrange?

2008-10-10T16:06:00.000+08:00

Here we stand, you and I
Not sure exactly how or why
We both stare in each other’s eyes
And pretend we're in disguise

I used to know you, and you, me
So well, so much, so why can we not be?

If this is what you wanted all along
Tell me how could we last that long?
We both do know that we belong
To each other
If that is where you wanted to be
I just want you to come home with me
And I know that you clearly see
“Us” with “forever”.

Here they come, I can’t deny
You do look like you know how to fly
But didn’t you say you felt you had the skies
With me, I know they weren’t just lies

Hear me one more time, oh please
I know right now you’re not at ease
But give it one more try to think at least
Of us, ’til the sun rises at the east

I used to know you, you loved me
And I, you, so why do you refuse to see?

If this is what you wanted all along
Tell me how you listen to our song
We both know that we are strong
Us, together
If that is where you want to be
There’s still a place for you and me
And I know that you clearly see
“The end” with “never”.

Didn’t you use to believe we don’t need anyone else?
Didn’t we do what’s right, what love impels?
Didn’t we feel lost when the other was gone?
Didn’t you use to say that I was the one?

We were one.

Nothing matters to you now, things are just done.

If this is what you wanted all along
Tell me what’s right for you now and what’s wrong
With me, why didn’t it take you long
To find another
But if that’s where you'd rather be
I wish someday you’ll come down to me
'Til then, I hope you do feel free,
Yeah, whatever…

I’m not even sure now how things are with you
But if you could walk away fast, I should be going too.

Overnight

2008-10-10T16:05:00.000+08:00

“I need huge space.”

Sigh.

“Darn, it’s cold. Plus I don’t have a blanket.”

“You can have mine.”

“What about you?”

“I think I have an extra. If I don’t, we can share.”

Oh please, don’t have an extra.

Smile.

Make it spacious, come on! Is that all you can do? Move some more!

I can’t believe this. Damn, I love this kind of moment. What wouldn’t I give to stay this way forever?

Ok, you can have the blanket. I’m ok with this. I’m pretty satisfied just being here, able to look at you.

Turn, turn.

I hope you’re sleeping well. As well as having a wider space. I wish I could make you more comfortable. I could get up and sleep on a chair, but that would wake you up.

Oh, I didn’t realize I was cold. Thank you for the warm touch. I love the way we are so close. I really do.

…”I don’t want you anymore.”

…

Sigh.

Alone in a blanket that’s not even mine.

But…

As long as I have it, I believe there’s still hope.

Oh no, don’t take it away from me too.

No Hero for the Martyr / Martyrdom

2008-10-09T18:52:00.000+08:00

kung ending 1, “No Hero for the Martyr”, kung ending 2, “Martyrdom” lang ah.

I want to belong in your cold world.
I want to live there, and be imprisoned forever.
I want to be caged by your boundaries.
I want to lock myself up in your beating heart.

I want to crash like the car you drive.
I want to get worried when you’re still not home.
I want to be the bag you throw your furies to.
I want to be controlled by you.

I want to feel the hurt when you break down.
I want to feel the pain when I miss you.
I want to bleed for you.
Then I want to run out of blood ’til my marrows dry up.

I want my heart to skip a beat because of you.
And when it does, I want to run out of oxygen bit by bit.
I want to fall asleep with those eyes and never wake up.
But when I do, I want to be blinded by the stars I’d see in them.

I want your smile to kill me.
It leaves me hanging on for life; a collision of murder and birth.
I want to be broken because of you.
I want to fall and break then later be healed by you.

I want to die in your arms.
For those are the same arms that could bring me to life.
I want my heart to shatter because of you.
And be left like puzzle pieces you can put together.

I want things to fall apart because of you.
I know it will all then fall into place.
I want to be lost in your gaze.
I want to wander forever, until I starve to see you again.

I want to be burnt by the fire in your eyes.
Then be charred to ashes and be scattered to the sea.
I want to freeze when your lips gently touch mine
Then melt all the way and disappear.

I want to crawl on my knees and beg for an answer
I want to fade then reappear with the snap of your finger
I lay content with the thought of you being here
Even the air you breathe out can suffice me ’til dawn.

Ending 1:
I want to drown in your ocean of dreams
Where I am your every thought, every single reason to believe.
I want to be your everything.
But you want everything I am not.

So for now, let these all be wishes
Cried by an aching heart
Of a martyr seeking a hero
Oh, I want to cry, cry, cry.

Ending 2:
I want to drown in your ocean of dreams
Where I am your every thought, every single reason to believe.
I want my wings to be wounded by you.
It is with pleasure to be scarred by your hands.

I want to be your everything -
The morning, the night, the trees, the birds
The rainbow, the light, the dark, the earth
For in my world of held-back tears,
Even the tiniest grain of sand speak entirely of you.

Wheel Blues

2008-09-19T16:25:00.000+08:00

It’s hard to read about a book and want the same things for yourself. They are only fiction - and so what you want also resides in imagination.

What’s harder is that you know you could have what you want, if only you had the right time and the right place.

And the hardest is accepting that you might never have that chance, ever.

Life is not just a spinning wheel. It is, and should be, a moving one. You’re up and then down, but you have to leave the ground you are on. That’s the purpose of its spinning - to move on.
But, like I said, I live by no motto.

I’m just moving forward, not going up or down, just moving in uncertainty, and obviously not moving on.

I am just a wheel in a vehicle, and someone drives it for me. I cannot go the other way to relive and re-experience the ground I was on if my driver wants to go ahead.

I am a tire. I could mess up and get nailed or something during the trip, and I should be replaced because I am slowing the vehicle down.

Darn me for destroying myself.

Alive, Awake, and Breathing, Again.

2008-09-19T16:18:00.000+08:00

Darn, hello again, blog life. It has been years and I’ve learned to forget you, because I have been involved with something more, wonderful, than dreaming and ranting and hoping. But now it’s time to reconcile with you again. See, you are my outlet. My fingers miss pressing keys to feed you, my mind misses the excitement and wishful thinking that a miracle happens through you. Wow, years. I wonder how that changed me.

Someone said before that my blog was worth reading, and that I should keep on blogging even in college, despite the schedule. When I went to college, however, I didn’t feel this schedule pressure; I had all the time I wanted for things like this. But I spent it doing other things. I guess I had nothing to dream of, rant about, or hope for anymore then. No wishing for miracles because I’ve finally gotten what I wanted. But because everything’s in past tense, I am starting over.

The best part of my life is done, and I’m not sure I could take the rest of it. But I have to. It’s not my time to feel wonderful now, it’s time that I suffer.

This is different from all the other pain. Times before were easy, then there were times I thought everything should end. And I thought this will be like those moments that felt like I couldn’t move on. Well I am frozen, but somehow, at the back of my head, I feel that I could deal with this.

Maybe because I now remember how strong I was and how happy I was, evenin a different way. At least I was still satisfied with myself.

People always say that life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. But what the hell? What if the wheel didn’t move? Like me. I’m stuck. I’m neither up nor down, I’m right in the middle. And it’s hard to choose whether I should be going up or down. I’m just here. It’s not like choosing whether a glass is half full or half empty. For me it’s just half.

For our yearbook, which is so late by the way, I wrote, No motto could describe how I live my life. True, but selfish. Or maybe ignorant. Because I didn’t want someone else’s statement to define my living. But everyone lives around everyone else, and it’s impossible not to be influenced by anyone’s remarks.

For that, I give credit to everyone I have ever come across with. From the passerby I won’t ever remember again to the person closest to me. It’s a thanks, a sorry, and a screw you to all of you for making my identity. And sighs of relief, regret, and anger to me for letting you.

People don’t always change for the better. Sometimes they just… change.

And this is me, renewed.

Or at least trying to be.

Dirty Old Man

2008-04-07T16:28:00.001+08:00

I see him on the streets
Of a busy world
Eyeing every wedge and stiletto
Of the smooth and even-toned
Who ignore his stares.

He waits patiently
For someone to pass by him
So he could taste a chance
To show he was innocent,
Helpless, but eager.

"Don’t you touch me"
Is what he gets
From a woman who gets out
Of the beauty shop
"Don’t even look at me".

So he sits again
And keeps himself
From dreaming of fantasies
To satisfy his inner self
Because he could never.

But no
The sweetness of the scent
From the lady in red
It burns his guts -
He has to fulfill.

Murder, the next day.
Because he had to do
What he couldn’t do
For what seemed like a lifetime
Of loneliness.

"What happened here?"
Started the investigation.
"I don’t know sir, I must have pushed hard,
He fell on the ground,
Then blood scattered around."

It wasn’t even on the papers
Or in the primetime news
When the dirty old man finally was in peace -
The old beggar in Pine Street
Who just wanted donuts to eat.

White Beach

2008-02-28T16:41:00.000+08:00

As I sit on the shore with waves washing my feet, I pick a small stone not bigger than my pinky nail. I lay it on the ground, feel its smoothness and get amused by its uniqueness. I search for more stones and gather them. Then I get disappointed. Because I found a similar stone. To the one I thought was different from the rest. One by one the stones appear, bit by bit I get saddened by the fact it isn’t really one-of-a-kind. I throw the stones to the sea.

Now I write my name on the sand. It’s what everyone else does, besides building castles. Then here comes a big wave and washes out my name. Darn, why can’t it stay there for an hour? It’s either the wave or an unwanted foot. My name doesn’t deserve the latter so I guess the wave is better. And oh well, if the writings were permanent, I guess I wouldn’t have space to write anyway.

I begin to think. Is your heart like the sand? Did it erase everything before it let me in it?

But then again, I think. Am I just like the sand? Vulnerable to being erased?

It’s either by you. Or by an unwanted foot-faced person. (< haha)

Now I wonder how many names have been written and how many have gone.

I wish you could reserve me an area of cement by the shore. Then I wouldn’t care of anything else.

Until beaches have that, I think I’d rather be a tomb on a grave.

Scratchwork

2007-09-05T18:24:00.000+08:00

I hate it when I’m in the mood for serious note-taking and my G-Tec suddenly conforms to the force of gravity and makes an angle between its needle and its shaft.

Then my energy just drains out.

…I remember the use of the pen. The pen that I’ve been using forever. Everyday, for anything.

I sign this, I answer that. I draw this, I note that.

And I wonder when I’ll be able to write about you.

I’ve been waiting since I learned how to drive the pen and waste ink.

‘Cause that’s what I want and would be doing for the rest of my life.

But I’m still waiting for that day to come.

Where to?

2007-07-18T18:42:00.000+08:00

So how far do we go?
As tall as the trees,
As high as the mountains?
Maybe a little further.
Then we could freeze.

So how far do we go?
As wide as the ocean,
As vast as the heavens?
Maybe like the star
That’s never in motion.

Maybe we’ll get farther.
Like an aim in the clouds
In the freezing winter.

Maybe when there’s more time
Maybe when your eyes meet mine
Maybe when the leaves turn gray
Maybe you’d wish I’d stay.

Maybe when I could touch the sky
Then I wouldn’t have to sigh
Maybe when you could read my mind
I guess you wouldn’t be so kind.

Or maybe you’d love me back.

But perhaps not.

Closed Road

2007-07-18T16:49:00.000+08:00

My life as a road:
My love like the cars
That cross the street -
Stop then go.

My eyes don’t blink.
From green to red -
Pause and look.

Fire trees shed flowers
Like autumn in spring.
Like July in October.

And there you go again.

Found by the sweet breeze
A soft whisper in chaos.

My eyes won’t blink.
We meet halfway -
Pretend it’s nothing.

My life as a week:
I happen to pass by you
Twice in a lifetime.

Pretend it’s nothing.

I Hate You

2007-03-18T18:29:00.000+08:00

And all the spoken words hurt
In your reply so curt, I understand
And if you walk away from me now
Let our story end with a laudable bow

Vows and promises all broken
I had woken up one somber morning
To witness the empty, shaken faith
Of a love so true…

Of a love so truly bounded by hate.

And it’s either you and I
One of us carries a lie, and if
I close my eyes when we kiss,
How do I know if you try to resist?

Oh, and every dream I had
Turned out to be bad because you let it be
I’ll give you my bucket of tears
Perhaps you’ll make a rainbow…

Perhaps you’ll make a rainbow of my every fear.

And whatever happened to us,
Will we never trust again?
Because I put it wholly in you
And whatever happened to it too…

‘Til the day I’ll find it again
The day I won’t have to pretend, that
Once there was a love to last forever
But ’til then, I will try to forget that my heart aches…

I will try to forget that my heart aches for you

And that we will be happy ever after, but just not together.

Forget the World

2007-02-19T18:22:00.000+08:00

Here’s us.
And there’s the world.
Here’s us.
Against the world.

I exist, you exist.
We exist, but they exist.
But here’s us,
So forget the world.

We are so opposite in a way we are so alike. That’s why I need and want you at the same time, for what I lack you cover up for me. And even if we don’t really agree into everything, we don’t need words just for us to understand what each other is thinking.

We don’t need anything or anyone else. There’s just us, not you and me, but us, and we’re complete. Nothing more to want for, nothing more to wish for. Because I have you and you have me, and we’re complete.

Oh yes, we’re perfect.

…but not meant to be.

And that’s why I don’t believe in crappy quotes saying you can work out your own destiny, that you just have to try so everything goes perfect.

God, this is what’s supposedly perfect but just cannot be. How do you work on it when you know it still won’t work out in the end?

But here I am hoping for a longer time to live and grow in you. Here we are wishing for the light to be with us… we just steal a chance to glimpse at it while it shun on everyone else.

And we both know we can’t go on like that forever.

But still, we cling to the hope it would reach us… even if we know it never will.

But I have you and you have me, and I guess we could steal the light a little bit more.

Just a little bit more, until it’s bright enough to see what lies ahead of us, until we’re strong enough to make it through… Until we become you and me, happily ever after but just not together.

And until then, let’s just make the most out of the glow we still have.

What If?

2007-02-19T18:19:00.000+08:00

I can’t get over you.

I guess it’s quite ironic to actually state that, since I barely had you and you had none of me. But here I am and I’m actually saying this, I can’t get over you.

You don’t even notice. And I guess it’s better that way. You won’t ever notice.

And hell we won’t ever know what we’re supposed to be.

“We”? For a time it had existed, now I only think it had.

‘Cause you thought I’d never give you the chance while I thought you’d never take it.

But you just didn’t know. You had given up, and you just didn’t know.

And maybe even if you did see the way I was looking at you, nothing’s gonna change. ‘Cause maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen anyway. And right now, I can’t help but to wonder, “what if?”.

…what if…?

Well, come to think of it, I never really imagined myself with you. We’re not the same, no, we’re different. Different as can be, different and odd as can be. We can’t meet halfway.

Damn it, we just can’t.

The Sirens of a Silent Paradise

2007-02-01T18:48:00.000+08:00

I walk past you and I had to put make an effort just to make you notice. You knew something was wrong. No matter how hard I try to hide everything behind my teary eyes. I can’t help it; I’m breaking down… I’m breaking down.

People always push everything around. They don’t realize that sometimes it’s the very hands that helped them they push away. And when they do realize their fault, they don’t mind… They never mind at all.

No, they don’t care about whatever I’m concerned with. And I’m breaking down…

But not all the way down.

Because you were there. And you saw me through. And at least I mattered to you.

You reached out your hand for me to hold on to.

And you walked with me until I found myself… Until I realized it was there all along. It has been there all along.

I found myself in you.

I always give everything out. I don’t realize that sometimes it’s my very heart I give away. And when I realize this, I still don’t mind… No, I won’t mind at all.

Because it means giving my heart to you.

And we break in to privacy. Where I could shout your name out and everything echoes it back… Where I could dream out loud of you and anywhere I go it’s like I’m walking through halls of mirrors that try to make a perfect image of you. It’s just us, no one else is here.

There’s nobody else near.

You were once there, three feet away. And now you’re here, three breaths away. Three short breaths of pure, innocent love. And I can’t catch up with the heightening tense pleasure, I can’t breathe with this thick humidity we created with our little sunshine.

And it’s hard ’cause you take my breath away.

And you kissed me with a taste of salt from my tears. Tears that rolled down on my face like gentle raindrops that slide down your windshield. And like the car wiper you kissed my tears away… I wonder where they have gone.

And there we lay together. Beneath the roof of security, inside the walls that couldn’t see. Under the moonlit sky complimented by the countless tiny sparks that fall down to make our wishes come alive. Surrounded by the evening breeze made warm by a mere contact of your hand to its nothingness. And there we lay still, and nothing is stopping us now.

Except maybe the rain, that makes me think of the lonesome nights I have been through…

Those endless cold times without you. Nothing but the deafening drops of contaminated water on my roof. Nothing but wet clothes that pairs up with the freezing cold.

And when it started to pour, it made me think of the place you’ll be going home to.

Will you be staying with me here and light up a fire? It’s been a slow and gentle friction and together we ignite… Together we ignite.

While people push everything around, you pull me under sheets of cotton and make me feel I’m home. And when we realize the day is ending, when the sun gets to peak at us again… we might get caught but we don’t mind…

And no, this time it’s not just something that goes on in my mind.

It’s what’s going on in yours too.

A Daydream on Midnight

2007-01-12T18:28:00.000+08:00

In the silence of the night where the sparrows find nests to rest on, I lay down thinking of the perfect love story of a perfect love. Where even the perfect place at the perfect time leads to the perfect tragic ending.

Hands strike twelve. If the clock only knew of the melody my heartstrings could play, it would stop and turn the other way. But all it could do is run out of power and stop and lie and tell me the world stood still.

Cripes. Another day to waste my time thinking of everything that has got to do with you. And whatever time I have left I waste wishing I had more time.

I think the world of you. But you only made me think I exist in your world. Each single time you stole my heart, you never gave it back. Everytime you took my breath away you killed me bit by bit… piece by piece.

You bastard. You left me with everything I loathed of remembering.

And this deafening silence reminds me of the ever-present distance between us, never shrinking, but infinitely drawing out. I hate missing what was never there, I hate reminiscing the times you pretended you cared.

But when everything is settled and peaceful and quiet, I think of the times we had. Every cherished moment rattles through my brain as if it were everything I dreamt of… Damn it you are everything I ever dreamed of.

In the silence of the night where sparrows find nests to rest on, I lie down thinking of our perfect love story of our perfect love. Where the perfect ending is full of beautiful lies that would forever remain as daydreams during midnight.

Something New

2006-12-20T18:46:00.000+08:00

The perfect start for a day.
The long-awaited morning greeting.
The usual meeting place.
The habitual “I’m sorry” smile on the face.

A different expanse to go around.
A happy feeling of security.
A silly game to settle a debate.
A mutual decision that’s never late.

Another time together.
Another breath to share.
Another space in our world
That’s getting bigger and bigger.

Feet getting tired.
Eyes connecting a line.
Perfectly intertwining fingers.
Hearts in each other’s hands unseen by strangers.

The long way home seemed short.
A silent understanding.
Another unwritten but unforgettable chapter
..hold on, isn’t this just like the others?

No.
Because I’ll be loving you more tomorrow.
And today is yesterday’s future.

And how you end this is still a mystery
A beautiful miracle still unknown to me.
The abrupt but slow-motioned gentle action
Sweeter than any much-loved confection.

And while everyday is not exactly new,
Everyday I’m growing in love with you.

And everyday there’s something more.

Something New

2006-12-20T16:59:00.000+08:00

Flight of the Sparrow

2006-11-24T01:30:00.000+08:00

I am amazed with the sparrow, flying like the wind. Flip and flip, it’s blue as the sky. Dancing and dancing while the sunlight plays with its feathers. Black and white. Brown and yellow. Blue and gray.

Teasing the newly-cut grass with its wings.
Kissing the flowers with its beak.

Up and down. Round and round.

I am on the stands watching the field as if it were a stage. Whoever the playwright is, he doesn’t realize there is beauty in this breakdown scene.

On the perch it sat and nobody noticed. The field is as blank as its face. Emotionless as its eyes. Silent as its unheard song.

Then, dire and wild, it flew. Free as the wind. Careless as distant whispers. High as every mountain.

To hell with stares. The sparrow is free…

It dances under the sun with the whistling leaves as music. Alas, the melody is spread… and heard by the others.

It is never to dance alone again.

But it tires… and then stands quietly on the dying grass.

Yes, it is never to dance alone.It is never to dance again.

One by one the others tire, one by one they stand on their places. The field as blank as their faces. Emotionless as their eyes. Nobody hears their song. There they stood still, distant to each other.

The wind blows.

And where the sparrows once flew, there danced a meek butterfly. White as snow with dirt. Almost insignificant on stage.

But to a just observer, it is the life of the show.

It enters the scene with every color that pleases the eyes. Black and white. Brown and yellow. Blue and gray.

Whoever the playwright is, he is never gonna find out the beauty behind the curtains - the butterfly that makes you doubt what you believe in, and believe in your every doubt.

Direction

2006-11-15T18:44:00.000+08:00

No matter how you ignore the gentle buzzes and silent glares, the world still matters to me. You can neglect the fact that we both exist on it but it speaks of everything about us.

You were North and I was South. There existed polarity. And naturally opposites attract. Nothing to argue about.

You were North and I was South. And no matter how we connected there was always that fine line that separated us. Plus the hundreds of thousands of miles and hundreds of millions of people in between. You were North and I was South… and we were two.

But though there was contrast, it was the same coldness that enveloped the poles. The ice would never melt and nobody would want to stay. Nobody would want to be there forever.

There we were standing at both ends, with the edge of the world on our feet. There we were miles apart and only the imaginary longitudes connected us. And we could only dream of them as our fingers interlaced with each other. Nothing more.

That was in the world we had lived in… we have gone beyond it. We have left the world where we were North and South.

Now you are East and I am West. Going opposite directions but meeting somewhere along the way. We are on a single path. And when we do meet, we would have crossed the world. We may drift away but we would naturally come back to being one. The once imaginary longitudes have become latitudes that go with us. The fine line that once separated us now guide our feet. And everything else is according to our wishes - the natural rotation leads us back to each other. Just one turn and I’m back in your arms. And even when you leave with the sun as it rises, you would come down back to me in the end.

You are East and I am West… and wherever we’re heading, we’ll make it together.

Undefined Asymptote

2006-11-13T18:55:00.000+08:00

I am drifting off again. I envy ‘f(a)’, ‘the limit of f(x) as x approaches a’, and ‘the limit of f(x) as x approaches a equals f(a)’ - at least you know these things exist when a function f is continuous at a number a. Well, ok. You’re aware of me… and my invisibility.

Let a be defined as h(x) = the limit of (3 + x) as x approaches 1. Because the limit of h(x) as x approaches 1 from the left is not equal to the limit of h(x) as x approaches 1 from the right, condition (ii) fails to hold at x = 1; so h is discontinuous at 1.

Relate to the saying: it takes two to tango. You’ll need both your left and right hands to hold something in place. But in my case, my “something” is not pushed back by an equal opposing force. Ok, let’s say you know I’m getting into you, and now you’re pushing back my little something. But you’re overdoing it; you’re putting in a little more effort and it’s pushing me away. Can’t you exert just enough force so we can hold this thing together? Don’t you realize I want to stay just right here?

What if only condition (i) was not satisfied? That f(a) does not exist? We remove the discontinuity by defining f(a). We let f(a) be defined as whatever number fits the function.
But love is not just a variable in some math equation. It can never be defined.

I am drifting off to infinity… where all I see is you, where only one name exists and that belongs to you, where your eyes are on everything worth looking at, where your voice echoes anywhere I’m at, and where nothing does not make me think of you.

No, don’t be scared, this is not an obsession. You’ve just captivated me in the most possessive way I wouldn’t want to belong to anyone else. I am yours and I will continue to be as long as you’re you. And trust me I still don’t have plans of getting you out my head. This is MY infinity.
But unfortunately I have been deprived of the belief that infinity goes way, way beyond this wretched world. And while I know there is an end to this dreaming, I’m trying not to figure out and find reasons why I should exit.

Sure there is a limit at infinity. But the limit is not ON it… at least not for now.

I love you and even if no theorem or postulate could prove to you how much I do, let me love every bit of you ’til infinity runs out of definition… if it ever gets to that.

Let Me Let You In on a Little Secret

2006-11-02T18:38:00.000+08:00

People push people towards wherever their hands direct them to. I happen to fall out of place, people here, people there. Then you smile at me and they all disappeared.

Sun rays glisten and rain down on me as if embracing my whole body. We looked forward to my past and never looked back to people living fast-paced lives. No cold stares or annoying whispers. Let’s run away from it all. Hold on tight, we’re gonna fly.

And as we turn back time we moved a little farther. Give me a little piece of who you have been and what you’ve been through. Make me feel I belong; I am entering your world… as you already have entered mine.

And what would I not give to stay this way? Make the blue turn to gray, and look deep in my eyes. Another feel on the throat, another breath to share. Our world now full of colors even the rainbow doesn’t define.

Broken glass.

Snap back to reality. We have landed on both feet. Hard. No more songs to lull us to sleep; the blue-turned-gray is back to brown. I am still lost in you but you turned away. Goodbye, my light.

The lining of the clouds captivate me as we walk. With no words… we’re leaving us behind.

Chase the sunset away. Bring me back my unfinished day.

People push people towards wherever their hands direct them to. I happen to fall out of place, people here, people there. Smile at me again and make everything else disappear.

Then with quivering lips and trembling hands, three words were spoken… but unheard.

Say it again.

Then three words now happen with a too. Hush and stay close so they can’t hear… Stay quiet and stay near… but the night must take over.

Goodbye, my light. Burn and fade into the night.

And as I lay and lull myself to sleep, I’ll let you in on a little secret no one else could keep.

Hush and stay close so they can’t hear.
Oh, burn and fade into the night.

Turn on the Lights with the Broken Switch

2006-10-23T18:26:00.000+08:00

Slight hope gives me fear
Of moving forward, fast.
Towers fall apart
Upon my tired feet.
Do I move? Do I get stuck?

Let the world come crashing down.
I’d still wake up to see the ashes
Of a love that burns my heart
Of a love that keeps me going.

Stay close so they won’t hear
My name in your every breath
Your eyes in my every dream
Heart in hand
Soul to soul
But you take one step and let me go.

Let the world come crashing down.
Wake up to see the fire
Of a love that burns inside
Of a truth you made a lie.

Twilight time let me wish again
On a star you never noticed that was there
Throw the stones we did ignite
Put out the fire you left behind…

Why don’t you stay close and be with me
Let the light be gone ’til it’s too dark to see
Stay close, hear me cry
Let me die in your arms one last time
Kill me with words bound by fiction
Make me believe you see me too…

A Limit on Infinity

2006-10-04T18:51:00.000+08:00

Ask me not of what I feel
For love that can be explained through words is questionable
If I were to be blind I would sense still
What eyes don’t see, what hearts do tell.

Freeze the water and on it you could trail
You might not see what burns down below
But I’m not asking for a smooth, blithe sail
For even the sea cannot control the waves.

If the eyes tell everything, you should see yourself in mine
You’ll see you are my all; they reflect what’s true
But I am as base as this ruthless world
And all I need is you.

Vanish

2006-09-25T16:47:00.000+08:00

Bitter sunshine
Dwells in your mind
Could it be me?
Or someone else?

Petals fall
Call a name
Could it be mine?
Or someone else?

Tear of a cloud
Beat of your heart
Is it for me?
Or someone else?

I dream of the one
Coming closer
Lips on mine
Hands together.
Towards the sky
Hold me near
Take me with you
Away from here.

Love me true
Make believe
It could be you
It could be me.
Ponder on stars
Hear the bell
It could be us
And no one else.

When Deprived of a Headache

2006-09-25T16:46:00.000+08:00

I feel free, calm, unvanquished.
But I wish I could go back
And let the aching excruciate.

At least I could fall asleep in your eyes.

And I don’t have to pretend you’re real.

But I chose to rest and let the discomfort be gone.
Now I only dream of melodramatic melancholy
For I slept for hours, and now the pain is gone…

And so are you.

Fire

2006-09-25T16:45:00.000+08:00

Hers are the eyes that kill
And you’d rather want to die a slow, painful death.
Oh, that look that melts every bit of you
You can’t tell me you don’t like it by smiling.

But hers are the eyes of unpleasant surprise.
Soon the dark of the dawn will arrive.
And hell will breathe fire to every corner of your room
The cons will be counted.

But you’d rather be lost in a fiery gaze than notice me.

Let my voice be unheard
For I’d rather rot than truth be told
You’ve found her, and she alike,
And so I lay forgotten.

All in Praise of You

2006-09-16T18:50:00.000+08:00

One look.
A concurrent lock of gazes.
Once is by chance.
Twice is accidental.
But thrice is unexplainable.
And the fourth is a link.

Then you sang the exact line playing on my mind.
Head turned.
Fingers ran.
Smile returned.

Refrain:
The world in technicolor.
The air is blithe.
The sky turned blue.
They’re all in praise of you.

Then we share a sphere invisible to accusing eyes.
You and me.
Us, though not exactly.
Exist side by side.
All else coincide.
Yeah, you and me.
No one else.

Refrain:
The world in technicolor.
The air is blithe.
The sky turned blue.
They’re all in praise of you.
The sun is gleaming
The stars alike.
Even the heavens know
All is in praise of you.

Then I suddenly felt frozen.
Benumbed.
Woke up.
But I swear I told the truth.
That my heart had beaten in time with yours.
Had.
But the world came back.

But how can I not dream again
When our eyes always meet
And so does everything else
I sing a song and fall out of tune
I realize you are the perfect melody
Yeah, you are every world to me.

Refrain

Tell me how can I not fall
When all is in praise of you
Yeah, all is in praise of you.

No Ordinary Morning

2006-09-10T16:54:00.000+08:00

The love you once had is back from outer space
If I had only remained celestial and away -
A star you could stare in the night, blending in with the rest
Maybe now a rainbow is within your reach.
If I had only woken myself up and stopped wishing.

I didn’t see it coming
I had been living with the ordinary state of mind
Then you happened.
And now I see the world in technicolor…
That even the ugliest rock had a certain shade of green
But you could exit at the back and I’ll live with it.
I could still exist in monochrome… even the air we breathe has no hue.

You deserve better than this.
Let someone else be the best thing that’s ever happened to you
Somebody who has all the guts to tell you alike.
You are the prism that gave light to every extant crimson
Now you should see the colors through a pair of eyes too
Through someone who’s willing to meet the end of the rainbow
Someone whose hands once fitted with yours perfectly
And not through someone whose eyes couldn’t even look at you straight.

Heavenly

2006-09-02T16:51:00.000+08:00

We’re half an hour away from a complete revolution
Aren’t you happy your constellation is reappearing
Beside the moon that’s glowing down on me?
This is the new universe.

I arranged the stars the way I had written your name on my skin
I let them take my sunshine for a while
So you’ll see them as real bodies in space
With quivering splendor of enigmatic wonder.

But they should vanish.For tonight the moon is full, radiant
You let it borrow your light
So the 96 tears I cried are now visible, sparkling…

Enough to form a lake to reflect your moon
As placidly but relunctantly as possible.
Do you see the full moon?
Of course you do, so forget about the image on the lake.

Then I’ll let my stars fall one by one
Slowly and carefully, so you could wish on them for a happy ending.
After all, they are just dust, but not intended to fool you.

They are blinking and fading, they ought to be cleaned up…

Probably in a thousand light years after the moon is gone.

And maybe even a thousand more than never.

Lusis

2006-08-28T18:17:00.000+08:00

What are all the lights for?
There’s no reason for a celebration.
Within this four concrete walls I scream
Nobody hears a word.

I curse the day I wished for this.
I longed and hoped and prayed
But you are weak.
And so am I.

A demon can’t comprehend
This lifeless constellation
Beneath clouds of dust there lay the stars
To which I wished for the universe.

The song is heard but misunderstood
For words can’t speak for themselves.
They long to be recognized, they ache to be read.
But no two pairs of eyes are the same.

Oh, Polaris, take me now
Let me breathe in a different atmosphere
Where stars are everything
And not just the fire in his eyes.

Someone lie to me.
Tell me nothing’s gonna be ok.
Liar, liar, lie to me…
Oh, make me fade into the night.

It's So Hard to Look at You When I'm Having Double Vision and Pink Ears

2006-08-20T18:36:00.000+08:00

"There’s no more yours or mine, it’s ours."

Two hours. It’s for two hours.
Can we walk the walk?
We lay frozen, we lay cold
Sullenly still, silently distant.

Does it feel right, does it feel better?
Does it feel different now we’re together?
I crossed my fingers and wished for the sun
And it did rise, it did shine…

"We can work this out. I know it. We can work this out…"

You say, you think, you feel that something for me
This I believe, I’m afraid I do
I see it in your eyes, the reflections of truth.
The truth? Yeah, the bastard truth that lies.

For I know what you’re looking for.
I know what’s within, I know what’s going on
Inside you is an oblivion of mixed-up deliberations
So why do I still listen to you?

"We are blessed with something you can rarely find in ordinary people… We have us."

But love is love is love is love
And words are words are words are words.
And words can be said in different ways
If you’re clever… and you are. Damn, you are clever.

And love is such a tired, old ride… but glorious.
So tangible, so normal, perhaps quite uncomfortable.
I do understand now why we meet again.
Our eyes have met and so did everything else.

But I do not feel better, I do not feel right.
I do not feel anything, but I somehow see the light.
We crossed our fingers and wished for the sun,
But it is already setting… but leaving us a beautiful scene.

Even the Dragonflies Don't Know When It's Gonna Rain

2006-08-19T18:43:00.000+08:00

My bathroom lights went on and off
Even the bulbs can’t choose
So I wished on stars and clouds of smoke
For Sirius, my polaris.

The night shouldn’t end at eight o’clock
For goodness’s sake, it’s Saturday.
So together let us let two worlds collide,
Without even trying to comprehend.

It’s in the air and all around us, love is.
And I’m having difficulty in breathing.
Struggling and grasping, desperate for oxygen
Don’t let me die, don’t let me die in vain…

Suddenly we had our own hemisphere.
Suddenly the walls seemed to talk.
It made me think of moonstones and fireflies
Without definite meaning, but pointless infinite words.

We are, we are on the same wavelength.

But in ten seconds this could all be over,
‘Cause for ten long days we just had luck on a clover.
But ten more months and I will hate you never,
‘Cause with my last ten hours we could make this forever.

We are, we are on the same wavelength…

Let my bedroom lights go on and off
‘Cause even the stars at the ceiling are sure.
They shine so brightly, oh how they shine so brightly with glee.
I shut my eyelids close and it’s you smiling at me.

The Grass on the Other Side Still Spells Heartache

2006-08-13T18:39:00.000+08:00

with everyday i’m longing for more,
you always make my heart feel sore.
with the awkward silence i can’t hear a sound,
how i wish you could just go blend with the crowd.

i don’t want you near.

or is it reverse psychology ’cause i want you here…?

but i don’t want you closer,
’cause if we get to that, i feel it’ll soon be over.
no more wanting and hoping,
no more wishing for nothing.

no more staring at the ceiling for an answer.

don’t leave the door open, never allow me to enter.
lock it shut and seal your window,
for i could shatter it to pieces with my wounded elbow.

i don’t want you near…

you whisper words i’ve been wanting to hear.
or do i really want to listen to them?
i don’t want to hear you speak so solemn.

i don’t want you near…

’cause everytime you are, i am filled with fear.
and everytime you are not, my heart does seek.
but i can hold back, i can settle for one peek.

i can settle for one peek…

i’m contented with the sight of your left cheek.
and nobody would notice, nobody would care,
nobody would ask, nobody would stare.

nobody would care…

and i’ll be hanging amidst the cold air…
and you? oh, i don’t know.
we could take it all back or together we could glow.

together we could glow…

The Hallway Has No Stories

2006-07-28T18:34:00.000+08:00

the door opens and closes,
both motives are made clear.
it is the mutual agony
that keeps the eyeballs rolling
abrupt and effortless;
a pair meeting another -a window is left ajar.
alas, a smile is born.

somebody intervenes; the door is closed.
and oh, the longing…
the heightening pain of blindness.
but one fathoms the scene
with eyes that could shatter a glass pane
and sees the silhouette alive through fog and filth.
the silhouette covered by a stupid another.
alas, the smile fades.

the sullen bell is heard, the door is opened.
the outline of a figure flawless and exquisite
amidst a crowd that travels with time
and alas, the smile is returned.

all are forgotten.
all are understood.
all are plain and blithe.
but all are guarded smiles within a stereotyped sight.

as if innocent, the door opens.
just another plain situation
within two different worlds -
beyond is the shattered soul,
behind is a seeking heart.
someone shuts the door close.
the story is left untold.

My Chemical Romance: Mr. Erlenmeyer, Your Flask is Broken

2006-07-20T18:25:00.000+08:00

You broke my heart like the snapping of glass tubing into two
And like shattered pieces of broken cylinders
The graduations would never be the same.

Now the methyl red blood on my veins flow in half-drops
Since you wanted a perfect pink in your solution
Of colorless acid, with fumes like clouds of unknown concentration
And only you could answer.

So burn my white creased gown with the tip of a blue flame
And describe your preparations in a meaningless report
It’s so easy for you, you’re even getting bored
But me, I always get purple overruns

So let me stare at the walls of moles of cement powder
Until you decide to clean-up and leave.

Agony

2006-07-20T18:15:00.000+08:00

here i am looking for anything related to you,
in detail, as i get a faded smile with every click.
it’s the same song we both hate, so why is it still playing?
it’s the hatred that keeps it alive.

i guess i expected a bit too much, or maybe a little less
for what i see seems a different story
mine is something delicate, something clean and pure.
that’s not what the world shows.

but you give me a different definition.
for you are flawed, but perfectly.

and still, everything remains unknown.
unknown with hopes that you see a different pair of eyes
from hers.

but you are blind as i am with what i see in you.

still, we both can’t comprehend.
there’s a connection invisible from two worlds
and no straight line is formed, but it’s on its way, i guess.

maybe. long, long way to go.

so now i hope for nothing.
for what she is to you doesn’t define who i am.

it just won’t.

At the Back of Beyond: Two

2006-07-10T18:14:00.000+08:00

To Hell and Gone: From an Antipodean Distance I Still Can’t Smile Even A Guarded Smile At You

Like a greeting on your favorite station, it’s suddenly over
Or if it’s yet to come, you’re too busy to bother.
In a vertical horizon we meet;
I gaze rapidly so you don’t notice.
Then we’re three feet apart but getting closer
Still not as close as two goal posts on a soccer field.
Now the deafening silence has come in between
Plus everything else and still counting
No words should be spoken; let’s just walk
‘Til the light finds us.
And we’re three feet apart again, and getting farther.
So I sing a melody but you can’t even hear an utter.
Like the unnamed stars above let’s blend with the crowd.
Welcome me back; I’m still lost in you.
But are you even there?
I’m having a reverie while the night meets the morning.
You don’t even know.
So let’s leave it to that.
We’ll never know

At the Back of Beyond: One

2006-07-10T17:13:00.001+08:00

Whispers spread the rumor of the whole truth
So I took a glance past my shoulder
And saw a blank phiz beside you
But I met your eyes for a nick of a second
And they didn’t notice, they didn’t notice.
Trying not to make it stand out like a sore thumb
A green-eyed monster in the person of Paul Pry
And when I took another glimpse
You were a solitary view.
I’ll pretend you’re just a notch somewhere
So I won’t get the scheming scrutiny
And maybe find something interesting around
So I could steal a 20-20 of you in a peripheral peep
How I wish I were sentient to comprehend
Do you have that lump in the throat too?
The night’s got me rarefied; let’s float in the cold air
Like the deafening bass throbs every beat on my chest
Then I’ll think of paradoxical ways to get into you.
Come, let’s wrap ourselves with a little paraffin
Maybe then we could talk in the rain when no one could hear
So we won’t make an eclat.
Just a 30-degree angle and everything’s easy on the eyes
But I am yellow as the blue in green is gone.
So stay on your corner and I’ll stay on the edge
Then let me find myself in the abyssal prarie
And leave me there, leave me there.

My Monday Angel

2006-05-08T15:59:00.000+08:00

The sky’s slowly fading
The vast darkness crawls in
Clouds chase the sun away
Birth of the night sky mourning

The light never found your face
The world was fast revolving
Nor did you run over my mind;
You ran over somebody else’s

But that smile, that bewildering smile
Almost the only light in the dark
Enchanting, enam’ring, your innocent face
Leaving me alone, lost in wonder

But at least for one long night, you kept me alive.

You know my name, alright
But that leads us nowhere
Talk to me, you talk about somebody
And all I can do is stare

At least for one long night…

There should’ve been more
I know you know; we could’ve been more
But i’m afraid it’s too late
Now we’re just friends, of a friend.

’Cause you’ll be gone tomorrow
And you’ll be gone forever
This is one of the moments when
I wish tomorrow never comes

But what’s left with me, I’ll keep
An afterthought of you
A smile that kept me longing
A memory I’ll replay forever

At least for one long night I will…