It’s hard to read about a book and want the same things for yourself. They are only fiction - and so what you want also resides in imagination.
What’s harder is that you know you could have what you want, if only you had the right time and the right place.
And the hardest is accepting that you might never have that chance, ever.
Life is not just a spinning wheel. It is, and should be, a moving one. You’re up and then down, but you have to leave the ground you are on. That’s the purpose of its spinning - to move on.
But, like I said, I live by no motto.
I’m just moving forward, not going up or down, just moving in uncertainty, and obviously not moving on.
I am just a wheel in a vehicle, and someone drives it for me. I cannot go the other way to relive and re-experience the ground I was on if my driver wants to go ahead.
I am a tire. I could mess up and get nailed or something during the trip, and I should be replaced because I am slowing the vehicle down.
Darn me for destroying myself.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Alive, Awake, and Breathing, Again.
Darn, hello again, blog life. It has been years and I’ve learned to forget you, because I have been involved with something more, wonderful, than dreaming and ranting and hoping. But now it’s time to reconcile with you again. See, you are my outlet. My fingers miss pressing keys to feed you, my mind misses the excitement and wishful thinking that a miracle happens through you. Wow, years. I wonder how that changed me.
Someone said before that my blog was worth reading, and that I should keep on blogging even in college, despite the schedule. When I went to college, however, I didn’t feel this schedule pressure; I had all the time I wanted for things like this. But I spent it doing other things. I guess I had nothing to dream of, rant about, or hope for anymore then. No wishing for miracles because I’ve finally gotten what I wanted. But because everything’s in past tense, I am starting over.
The best part of my life is done, and I’m not sure I could take the rest of it. But I have to. It’s not my time to feel wonderful now, it’s time that I suffer.
This is different from all the other pain. Times before were easy, then there were times I thought everything should end. And I thought this will be like those moments that felt like I couldn’t move on. Well I am frozen, but somehow, at the back of my head, I feel that I could deal with this.
Maybe because I now remember how strong I was and how happy I was, evenin a different way. At least I was still satisfied with myself.
People always say that life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. But what the hell? What if the wheel didn’t move? Like me. I’m stuck. I’m neither up nor down, I’m right in the middle. And it’s hard to choose whether I should be going up or down. I’m just here. It’s not like choosing whether a glass is half full or half empty. For me it’s just half.
For our yearbook, which is so late by the way, I wrote, No motto could describe how I live my life. True, but selfish. Or maybe ignorant. Because I didn’t want someone else’s statement to define my living. But everyone lives around everyone else, and it’s impossible not to be influenced by anyone’s remarks.
For that, I give credit to everyone I have ever come across with. From the passerby I won’t ever remember again to the person closest to me. It’s a thanks, a sorry, and a screw you to all of you for making my identity. And sighs of relief, regret, and anger to me for letting you.
People don’t always change for the better. Sometimes they just… change.
And this is me, renewed.
Or at least trying to be.
Someone said before that my blog was worth reading, and that I should keep on blogging even in college, despite the schedule. When I went to college, however, I didn’t feel this schedule pressure; I had all the time I wanted for things like this. But I spent it doing other things. I guess I had nothing to dream of, rant about, or hope for anymore then. No wishing for miracles because I’ve finally gotten what I wanted. But because everything’s in past tense, I am starting over.
The best part of my life is done, and I’m not sure I could take the rest of it. But I have to. It’s not my time to feel wonderful now, it’s time that I suffer.
This is different from all the other pain. Times before were easy, then there were times I thought everything should end. And I thought this will be like those moments that felt like I couldn’t move on. Well I am frozen, but somehow, at the back of my head, I feel that I could deal with this.
Maybe because I now remember how strong I was and how happy I was, evenin a different way. At least I was still satisfied with myself.
People always say that life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. But what the hell? What if the wheel didn’t move? Like me. I’m stuck. I’m neither up nor down, I’m right in the middle. And it’s hard to choose whether I should be going up or down. I’m just here. It’s not like choosing whether a glass is half full or half empty. For me it’s just half.
For our yearbook, which is so late by the way, I wrote, No motto could describe how I live my life. True, but selfish. Or maybe ignorant. Because I didn’t want someone else’s statement to define my living. But everyone lives around everyone else, and it’s impossible not to be influenced by anyone’s remarks.
For that, I give credit to everyone I have ever come across with. From the passerby I won’t ever remember again to the person closest to me. It’s a thanks, a sorry, and a screw you to all of you for making my identity. And sighs of relief, regret, and anger to me for letting you.
People don’t always change for the better. Sometimes they just… change.
And this is me, renewed.
Or at least trying to be.
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