Pana-Panahon

Kahapon gustung-gusto kitang makasama,
Ngayon, ayoko na ng drama.
Hindi ko pa nga nagagawa ang lahat
Pero ayaw mo naman eh, kahit sa sulat.

Kahapon gustung-gusto kitang makita,
Ngayon, nanonood na lang ako ng balita
Sabi mo lahat ginawa mo na
Pati ang iwanan ako nasa listahan mo pala.

Kahapon baliw na baliw pa ako sayo,
Ngayon wala ka na sa’king plano
Katulad mo, kaya ko ring magpakasaya
Pero di tulad mo mas gusto ko’ng kasama ka.

Kahapon ang sabi mo walang katapusan,
Ngayon di ko alam kung ano’ng una ko’ng sisimulan.
Pero gaya mo, napapagod din ako.
Masarap pala magpahinga malayo sa’yo.

Kahapon hindi ko inisip na matatapos nang ganito kabilis
Ngayo’y panahon ko na rin ngang umalis
Bukas siguro naman makakangiti rin ako
Ngunit samakalawa, malamang, sasagi ka na naman sa isip ko.

Wag na,
Kung ayaw mo, ayoko na rin.

White Sand

I am like the sand.

The sand you walk on, the sand you dig in, the sand you build castles with.

Sometimes the sand makes the sea appear beautiful. White, pure sand makes the beach a paradise.

But no one really goes to the beach just to play on the shore. They go there to swim. They just stay on the shore to watch the others, wait, but eventually they will all leave.

I am not white and pure. Most of the time, the sand just mixes with the waves, causing the perception of a dirty water.

Perhaps I belong to that class. The contamination. The people came to see the beautiful ocean, the clear blue water, and I spoil it.

But these people only go to the beach to swim. When it’s dark and they’re tired, they will eventually leave.

But the sand, the sand that makes up the shore… The sand will always be there. No matter how harsh the waves may get, no matter how filthy the shore may be because of the swimmers. No matter how the sun will rise or set, how the clouds hover about or how the rain washes everything out. The sand will always be by the sea.

And they meet halfway, if you just care to notice. It’s not always the vague water, time will come when the sand will settle down onto the ocean floor, if we just wait.

But not all have patience.

Did We Change or Rearrange?

Here we stand, you and I
Not sure exactly how or why
We both stare in each other’s eyes
And pretend we're in disguise

I used to know you, and you, me
So well, so much, so why can we not be?

If this is what you wanted all along
Tell me how could we last that long?
We both do know that we belong
To each other
If that is where you wanted to be
I just want you to come home with me
And I know that you clearly see
“Us” with “forever”.

Here they come, I can’t deny
You do look like you know how to fly
But didn’t you say you felt you had the skies
With me, I know they weren’t just lies

Hear me one more time, oh please
I know right now you’re not at ease
But give it one more try to think at least
Of us, ’til the sun rises at the east

I used to know you, you loved me
And I, you, so why do you refuse to see?

If this is what you wanted all along
Tell me how you listen to our song
We both know that we are strong
Us, together
If that is where you want to be
There’s still a place for you and me
And I know that you clearly see
“The end” with “never”.

Didn’t you use to believe we don’t need anyone else?
Didn’t we do what’s right, what love impels?
Didn’t we feel lost when the other was gone?
Didn’t you use to say that I was the one?

We were one.

Nothing matters to you now, things are just done.

If this is what you wanted all along
Tell me what’s right for you now and what’s wrong
With me, why didn’t it take you long
To find another
But if that’s where you'd rather be
I wish someday you’ll come down to me
'Til then, I hope you do feel free,
Yeah, whatever…

I’m not even sure now how things are with you
But if you could walk away fast, I should be going too.

Overnight

“I need huge space.”

Sigh.

“Darn, it’s cold. Plus I don’t have a blanket.”

“You can have mine.”

“What about you?”

“I think I have an extra. If I don’t, we can share.”

Oh please, don’t have an extra.

Smile.

Make it spacious, come on! Is that all you can do? Move some more!

I can’t believe this. Damn, I love this kind of moment. What wouldn’t I give to stay this way forever?

Ok, you can have the blanket. I’m ok with this. I’m pretty satisfied just being here, able to look at you.

Turn, turn.

I hope you’re sleeping well. As well as having a wider space. I wish I could make you more comfortable. I could get up and sleep on a chair, but that would wake you up.

Oh, I didn’t realize I was cold. Thank you for the warm touch. I love the way we are so close. I really do.

…”I don’t want you anymore.”

…

Sigh.

Alone in a blanket that’s not even mine.

But…

As long as I have it, I believe there’s still hope.

Oh no, don’t take it away from me too.

No Hero for the Martyr / Martyrdom

kung ending 1, “No Hero for the Martyr”, kung ending 2, “Martyrdom” lang ah.

I want to belong in your cold world.
I want to live there, and be imprisoned forever.
I want to be caged by your boundaries.
I want to lock myself up in your beating heart.

I want to crash like the car you drive.
I want to get worried when you’re still not home.
I want to be the bag you throw your furies to.
I want to be controlled by you.

I want to feel the hurt when you break down.
I want to feel the pain when I miss you.
I want to bleed for you.
Then I want to run out of blood ’til my marrows dry up.

I want my heart to skip a beat because of you.
And when it does, I want to run out of oxygen bit by bit.
I want to fall asleep with those eyes and never wake up.
But when I do, I want to be blinded by the stars I’d see in them.

I want your smile to kill me.
It leaves me hanging on for life; a collision of murder and birth.
I want to be broken because of you.
I want to fall and break then later be healed by you.

I want to die in your arms.
For those are the same arms that could bring me to life.
I want my heart to shatter because of you.
And be left like puzzle pieces you can put together.

I want things to fall apart because of you.
I know it will all then fall into place.
I want to be lost in your gaze.
I want to wander forever, until I starve to see you again.

I want to be burnt by the fire in your eyes.
Then be charred to ashes and be scattered to the sea.
I want to freeze when your lips gently touch mine
Then melt all the way and disappear.

I want to crawl on my knees and beg for an answer
I want to fade then reappear with the snap of your finger
I lay content with the thought of you being here
Even the air you breathe out can suffice me ’til dawn.

Ending 1:
I want to drown in your ocean of dreams
Where I am your every thought, every single reason to believe.
I want to be your everything.
But you want everything I am not.

So for now, let these all be wishes
Cried by an aching heart
Of a martyr seeking a hero
Oh, I want to cry, cry, cry.

Ending 2:
I want to drown in your ocean of dreams
Where I am your every thought, every single reason to believe.
I want my wings to be wounded by you.
It is with pleasure to be scarred by your hands.

I want to be your everything -
The morning, the night, the trees, the birds
The rainbow, the light, the dark, the earth
For in my world of held-back tears,
Even the tiniest grain of sand speak entirely of you.

Wheel Blues

It’s hard to read about a book and want the same things for yourself. They are only fiction - and so what you want also resides in imagination.

What’s harder is that you know you could have what you want, if only you had the right time and the right place.

And the hardest is accepting that you might never have that chance, ever.

Life is not just a spinning wheel. It is, and should be, a moving one. You’re up and then down, but you have to leave the ground you are on. That’s the purpose of its spinning - to move on.
But, like I said, I live by no motto.

I’m just moving forward, not going up or down, just moving in uncertainty, and obviously not moving on.

I am just a wheel in a vehicle, and someone drives it for me. I cannot go the other way to relive and re-experience the ground I was on if my driver wants to go ahead.

I am a tire. I could mess up and get nailed or something during the trip, and I should be replaced because I am slowing the vehicle down.

Darn me for destroying myself.

Alive, Awake, and Breathing, Again.

Darn, hello again, blog life. It has been years and I’ve learned to forget you, because I have been involved with something more, wonderful, than dreaming and ranting and hoping. But now it’s time to reconcile with you again. See, you are my outlet. My fingers miss pressing keys to feed you, my mind misses the excitement and wishful thinking that a miracle happens through you. Wow, years. I wonder how that changed me.

Someone said before that my blog was worth reading, and that I should keep on blogging even in college, despite the schedule. When I went to college, however, I didn’t feel this schedule pressure; I had all the time I wanted for things like this. But I spent it doing other things. I guess I had nothing to dream of, rant about, or hope for anymore then. No wishing for miracles because I’ve finally gotten what I wanted. But because everything’s in past tense, I am starting over.

The best part of my life is done, and I’m not sure I could take the rest of it. But I have to. It’s not my time to feel wonderful now, it’s time that I suffer.

This is different from all the other pain. Times before were easy, then there were times I thought everything should end. And I thought this will be like those moments that felt like I couldn’t move on. Well I am frozen, but somehow, at the back of my head, I feel that I could deal with this.

Maybe because I now remember how strong I was and how happy I was, evenin a different way. At least I was still satisfied with myself.

People always say that life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. But what the hell? What if the wheel didn’t move? Like me. I’m stuck. I’m neither up nor down, I’m right in the middle. And it’s hard to choose whether I should be going up or down. I’m just here. It’s not like choosing whether a glass is half full or half empty. For me it’s just half.

For our yearbook, which is so late by the way, I wrote, No motto could describe how I live my life. True, but selfish. Or maybe ignorant. Because I didn’t want someone else’s statement to define my living. But everyone lives around everyone else, and it’s impossible not to be influenced by anyone’s remarks.

For that, I give credit to everyone I have ever come across with. From the passerby I won’t ever remember again to the person closest to me. It’s a thanks, a sorry, and a screw you to all of you for making my identity. And sighs of relief, regret, and anger to me for letting you.

People don’t always change for the better. Sometimes they just… change.

And this is me, renewed.

Or at least trying to be.

Dirty Old Man

I see him on the streets
Of a busy world
Eyeing every wedge and stiletto
Of the smooth and even-toned
Who ignore his stares.

He waits patiently
For someone to pass by him
So he could taste a chance
To show he was innocent,
Helpless, but eager.

"Don’t you touch me"
Is what he gets
From a woman who gets out
Of the beauty shop
"Don’t even look at me".

So he sits again
And keeps himself
From dreaming of fantasies
To satisfy his inner self
Because he could never.

But no
The sweetness of the scent
From the lady in red
It burns his guts -
He has to fulfill.

Murder, the next day.
Because he had to do
What he couldn’t do
For what seemed like a lifetime
Of loneliness.

"What happened here?"
Started the investigation.
"I don’t know sir, I must have pushed hard,
He fell on the ground,
Then blood scattered around."

It wasn’t even on the papers
Or in the primetime news
When the dirty old man finally was in peace -
The old beggar in Pine Street
Who just wanted donuts to eat.

White Beach

As I sit on the shore with waves washing my feet, I pick a small stone not bigger than my pinky nail. I lay it on the ground, feel its smoothness and get amused by its uniqueness. I search for more stones and gather them. Then I get disappointed. Because I found a similar stone. To the one I thought was different from the rest. One by one the stones appear, bit by bit I get saddened by the fact it isn’t really one-of-a-kind. I throw the stones to the sea.

Now I write my name on the sand. It’s what everyone else does, besides building castles. Then here comes a big wave and washes out my name. Darn, why can’t it stay there for an hour? It’s either the wave or an unwanted foot. My name doesn’t deserve the latter so I guess the wave is better. And oh well, if the writings were permanent, I guess I wouldn’t have space to write anyway.

I begin to think. Is your heart like the sand? Did it erase everything before it let me in it?

But then again, I think. Am I just like the sand? Vulnerable to being erased?

It’s either by you. Or by an unwanted foot-faced person. (< haha)

Now I wonder how many names have been written and how many have gone.

I wish you could reserve me an area of cement by the shore. Then I wouldn’t care of anything else.

Until beaches have that, I think I’d rather be a tomb on a grave.