Scratchwork

I hate it when I’m in the mood for serious note-taking and my G-Tec suddenly conforms to the force of gravity and makes an angle between its needle and its shaft.

Then my energy just drains out.

…I remember the use of the pen. The pen that I’ve been using forever. Everyday, for anything.

I sign this, I answer that. I draw this, I note that.

And I wonder when I’ll be able to write about you.

I’ve been waiting since I learned how to drive the pen and waste ink.

‘Cause that’s what I want and would be doing for the rest of my life.

But I’m still waiting for that day to come.

Where to?

So how far do we go?
As tall as the trees,
As high as the mountains?
Maybe a little further.
Then we could freeze.

So how far do we go?
As wide as the ocean,
As vast as the heavens?
Maybe like the star
That’s never in motion.

Maybe we’ll get farther.
Like an aim in the clouds
In the freezing winter.

Maybe when there’s more time
Maybe when your eyes meet mine
Maybe when the leaves turn gray
Maybe you’d wish I’d stay.

Maybe when I could touch the sky
Then I wouldn’t have to sigh
Maybe when you could read my mind
I guess you wouldn’t be so kind.

Or maybe you’d love me back.

But perhaps not.

Closed Road

My life as a road:
My love like the cars
That cross the street -
Stop then go.

My eyes don’t blink.
From green to red -
Pause and look.

Fire trees shed flowers
Like autumn in spring.
Like July in October.

And there you go again.

Found by the sweet breeze
A soft whisper in chaos.

My eyes won’t blink.
We meet halfway -
Pretend it’s nothing.

My life as a week:
I happen to pass by you
Twice in a lifetime.

Pretend it’s nothing.

I Hate You

And all the spoken words hurt
In your reply so curt, I understand
And if you walk away from me now
Let our story end with a laudable bow

Vows and promises all broken
I had woken up one somber morning
To witness the empty, shaken faith
Of a love so true…

Of a love so truly bounded by hate.

And it’s either you and I
One of us carries a lie, and if
I close my eyes when we kiss,
How do I know if you try to resist?

Oh, and every dream I had
Turned out to be bad because you let it be
I’ll give you my bucket of tears
Perhaps you’ll make a rainbow…

Perhaps you’ll make a rainbow of my every fear.

And whatever happened to us,
Will we never trust again?
Because I put it wholly in you
And whatever happened to it too…

‘Til the day I’ll find it again
The day I won’t have to pretend, that
Once there was a love to last forever
But ’til then, I will try to forget that my heart aches…

I will try to forget that my heart aches for you

And that we will be happy ever after, but just not together.

Forget the World

Here’s us.
And there’s the world.
Here’s us.
Against the world.

I exist, you exist.
We exist, but they exist.
But here’s us,
So forget the world.

We are so opposite in a way we are so alike. That’s why I need and want you at the same time, for what I lack you cover up for me. And even if we don’t really agree into everything, we don’t need words just for us to understand what each other is thinking.

We don’t need anything or anyone else. There’s just us, not you and me, but us, and we’re complete. Nothing more to want for, nothing more to wish for. Because I have you and you have me, and we’re complete.

Oh yes, we’re perfect.

…but not meant to be.

And that’s why I don’t believe in crappy quotes saying you can work out your own destiny, that you just have to try so everything goes perfect.

God, this is what’s supposedly perfect but just cannot be. How do you work on it when you know it still won’t work out in the end?

But here I am hoping for a longer time to live and grow in you. Here we are wishing for the light to be with us… we just steal a chance to glimpse at it while it shun on everyone else.

And we both know we can’t go on like that forever.

But still, we cling to the hope it would reach us… even if we know it never will.

But I have you and you have me, and I guess we could steal the light a little bit more.

Just a little bit more, until it’s bright enough to see what lies ahead of us, until we’re strong enough to make it through… Until we become you and me, happily ever after but just not together.

And until then, let’s just make the most out of the glow we still have.

What If?

I can’t get over you.

I guess it’s quite ironic to actually state that, since I barely had you and you had none of me. But here I am and I’m actually saying this, I can’t get over you.

You don’t even notice. And I guess it’s better that way. You won’t ever notice.

And hell we won’t ever know what we’re supposed to be.

“We”? For a time it had existed, now I only think it had.

‘Cause you thought I’d never give you the chance while I thought you’d never take it.

But you just didn’t know. You had given up, and you just didn’t know.

And maybe even if you did see the way I was looking at you, nothing’s gonna change. ‘Cause maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen anyway. And right now, I can’t help but to wonder, “what if?”.

…what if…?

Well, come to think of it, I never really imagined myself with you. We’re not the same, no, we’re different. Different as can be, different and odd as can be. We can’t meet halfway.

Damn it, we just can’t.

The Sirens of a Silent Paradise

I walk past you and I had to put make an effort just to make you notice. You knew something was wrong. No matter how hard I try to hide everything behind my teary eyes. I can’t help it; I’m breaking down… I’m breaking down.

People always push everything around. They don’t realize that sometimes it’s the very hands that helped them they push away. And when they do realize their fault, they don’t mind… They never mind at all.

No, they don’t care about whatever I’m concerned with. And I’m breaking down…

But not all the way down.

Because you were there. And you saw me through. And at least I mattered to you.

You reached out your hand for me to hold on to.

And you walked with me until I found myself… Until I realized it was there all along. It has been there all along.

I found myself in you.

I always give everything out. I don’t realize that sometimes it’s my very heart I give away. And when I realize this, I still don’t mind… No, I won’t mind at all.

Because it means giving my heart to you.

And we break in to privacy. Where I could shout your name out and everything echoes it back… Where I could dream out loud of you and anywhere I go it’s like I’m walking through halls of mirrors that try to make a perfect image of you. It’s just us, no one else is here.

There’s nobody else near.

You were once there, three feet away. And now you’re here, three breaths away. Three short breaths of pure, innocent love. And I can’t catch up with the heightening tense pleasure, I can’t breathe with this thick humidity we created with our little sunshine.

And it’s hard ’cause you take my breath away.

And you kissed me with a taste of salt from my tears. Tears that rolled down on my face like gentle raindrops that slide down your windshield. And like the car wiper you kissed my tears away… I wonder where they have gone.

And there we lay together. Beneath the roof of security, inside the walls that couldn’t see. Under the moonlit sky complimented by the countless tiny sparks that fall down to make our wishes come alive. Surrounded by the evening breeze made warm by a mere contact of your hand to its nothingness. And there we lay still, and nothing is stopping us now.

Except maybe the rain, that makes me think of the lonesome nights I have been through…

Those endless cold times without you. Nothing but the deafening drops of contaminated water on my roof. Nothing but wet clothes that pairs up with the freezing cold.

And when it started to pour, it made me think of the place you’ll be going home to.

Will you be staying with me here and light up a fire? It’s been a slow and gentle friction and together we ignite… Together we ignite.

While people push everything around, you pull me under sheets of cotton and make me feel I’m home. And when we realize the day is ending, when the sun gets to peak at us again… we might get caught but we don’t mind…

And no, this time it’s not just something that goes on in my mind.

It’s what’s going on in yours too.

A Daydream on Midnight

In the silence of the night where the sparrows find nests to rest on, I lay down thinking of the perfect love story of a perfect love. Where even the perfect place at the perfect time leads to the perfect tragic ending.

Hands strike twelve. If the clock only knew of the melody my heartstrings could play, it would stop and turn the other way. But all it could do is run out of power and stop and lie and tell me the world stood still.

Cripes. Another day to waste my time thinking of everything that has got to do with you. And whatever time I have left I waste wishing I had more time.

I think the world of you. But you only made me think I exist in your world. Each single time you stole my heart, you never gave it back. Everytime you took my breath away you killed me bit by bit… piece by piece.

You bastard. You left me with everything I loathed of remembering.

And this deafening silence reminds me of the ever-present distance between us, never shrinking, but infinitely drawing out. I hate missing what was never there, I hate reminiscing the times you pretended you cared.

But when everything is settled and peaceful and quiet, I think of the times we had. Every cherished moment rattles through my brain as if it were everything I dreamt of… Damn it you are everything I ever dreamed of.

In the silence of the night where sparrows find nests to rest on, I lie down thinking of our perfect love story of our perfect love. Where the perfect ending is full of beautiful lies that would forever remain as daydreams during midnight.